I wish it hadn’t come to this. I don’t know what went wrong. Actually, that’s a lie. I know exactly what went wrong. You had so much promise and potential “V”, but when it came down to delivering on it you failed. Miserably. I am leaving you, “V”. And I am sorry.

I admit that part of my interest in you at the beginning of our relationship revolved around your heritage. I’ve never seen your parent-show, “V” senior, but I was aware of the Nazi-lizard aliens invading the Earth disguised as humans concept, and the obligatory human-lizard hybrid birthing scene. These are great selling points, “V”. You really had a great deal of potential just based on those selling points. Your determined recruitment of science fiction castoffs for your characters was also endearing, if ultimately irrelevant. Throwing in that sinister woman from “BSG” to play another sinister woman is effective, I suppose, but it isn’t as though she was my reason for watching “BSG”. (real reason: Billy, the heart of the show. That was a joke. In reality, it was all for Dr. Cottle.)

So before we even started, “V”, you had a pretty good cast of actors and a great, great set up. And you completely squandered all of that potential, all of that goodwill. Things this show lacks: personality, humor, FUN. You are boring, “V”. And I tried to like you, God knows I did. But there’s nothing to like, “V”! You are the hollow shell of a good television show. Your characters are one-note in almost all cases, “V”. In the case of Erica I will allow that there could be two notes, those being her roles as hard-working FBI agent and neglectful mother. But each of these roles is completely flat. The slow loss of her son to the other side should be tragic to watch unfold, the tragedy of her losing the thing she wants most to protect. But this isn’t tragic at all in your execution, “V”. Her son is a whiny brat who drives a motorcycle and apparently never goes to school?? I couldn’t care less what happens to this douche bag. Which is how I feel about almost every character on this show, including the British super-terrorist who is named after deceased philosopher and sometimes tiger Hobbes.  Your characters are dull, “V”. You are dull.

In truth, there is only one redeeming quality in you, “V”. Anna is both compelling and entertaining to watch. She has no more depth of character than anyone else on the show, but she makes a great evil villain. But she’s not enough for me anymore, “V”. You aren’t enough for me anymore. I had something of a revelation in the aftermath of last week’s terrible “LOST” episode, a show that even at its worst still elicits some sort of feeling from me, rather than the deathly numbness I feel while watching you. You came on the air then, while I was still burning with rage and frustration, and I couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to your melodrama. You were acting out for attention, “V”, but I realized in that moment the sincere lack of interest between us. So I am sorry, “V”, but I am leaving you to look for greener pastures.

It’s not all bad though, “V”. Despite losing me, you still seem to have a bright future. I hear you’ve been renewed while the equally uninteresting “Flash Forward” has been cut loose. And I imagine you have other viewers out there to look to for comfort in this moment. You probably even have some fans out there, somewhere! Fans who will love you unconditionally, despite, maybe even because of, your many flaws. So cheer up, “V”. You’re going to be alright. And if you ever manage to get exciting, feel free to give me a call. I’m all for second chances.

Sincerely,

Matthew

P.S. WHY ARE YOU SO BORING?

I’ve written here in the past about Farmville.  Here’s how to tell if you or someone you love is addicted to Farmville (with apologies to www.giftsanonymous.com, which seems to be a website either designed by the AA people or by clever people imitating AA in order to cash in on product sales)  (www.aa.org is the official site of AA but they have intellectual property policies and I wouldn’t want to annoy them by using their materials since they seem to have a lawyer watching over them):

Farmaholism has many characteristics. Here is a list of some of them with a brief explanation:

• Denial! Denial! Denial! (We deny we have a problem and are usually the last ones to admit there is a problem.)

• We play Farmville alone or in secret. (Playing is a social activity done with other people, and playing alone or not posting when we find collectibles is a signal that we have something to hide.)

• We fail to remember conversations we’ve had or things we’ve done while playing Farmville-usually referred to as “multi-tasking blackouts.” (A common occurrence when we play heavily.)

• We establish Farmville routines like “playing Farmville before dinner every night” and become annoyed when they are interrupted. (Becoming angry when “Farmville hour” doesn’t happen are definite warning signs.)

• We lose interest in hobbies or activities that used to give us a lot of happiness. (Playing Farmville has become the main focus of our lives.)  We think about our crops during the day.  We plant crops that require us to be home at a certain time.

• We become increasingly irritable as our usual playing time approaches, especially if there’s no internet connection available. (The obsession and compulsion to play begins to affect us physically as well as mentally.)

·         We play Farmville before we go to parties. We sneak onto friends’ computer connections behind their backs. We make sure we have extra internet connections at home or in the car. (We worry that our crops will wither if we’re away from our computer.)  We hum the Farmville music during the day when we are away from the game to comfort ourselves.

• We experience legal problems, or problems with family, jobs, and relationships. (A natural end when playing Farmville becomes our main focus instead of our personal responsibilities.)

• We start to suffer withdrawal symptoms (nausea, shaking, irritability, sweating) when we aren’t playing Farmville. (We are experiencing the effects of withdrawal as time lapses without playing Farmville.)

• We develop a higher and higher tolerance to Farmville, meaning we need to play more and more to be satisfied. (Increased tolerance to Farmville is always accompanied by increased playing and planting crops that need to be harvested more frequently.)

• We hide wi-fi connections in our homes, our cars, and even at work so that it is always available. (Hiding Farmville and our computer connections is a three-alarm warning siren that we have a problem.)

• We desperately want to stop playing Farmville and we don’t know why we can’t. (Farmaholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful.)

• The most telling characteristic of Farm-aholism is that PLAYING FARMVILLE BECOMES THE #1 PRIORITY IN OUR LIVES! (Nothing else matters.)

That’s the Thought for the Day from The Dubmeister.

You’ve got to love the irony of it, to start the day ABC’s Good Morning America (our dawn’s early light arbiters of taste) launched into a story about how innapropriate a recent video on youtube of a group of eight-year-olds bumping and grinding to Beyonce’s All The Single Ladies is.

Not only did they lead with it at 7:00 but they made a point of bringing it up each half hour and using the Beyonce tune a number of times as the bumper music when they came back from comercials. At the start of the morning the video of the little miss sunshines had been seen 2 million times. This shocked them all - but you have to wonder what that number stands at today after that much solid promotion. You just can’t buy that kind of advetising! About a video they DON’T WANT YOU TO WATCH!

And yet they played the clip maybe ten times. Even George Stepopolis (sp) who seemd rightously concerned when probing the parents of the kids if they felt this was exploiting their tikes commented “I couldn’t stop watching the video”. George maybe you should choose your words a little better next time???
All of this begs the question Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

Yours,

Waldo

OK, I think this will be my final post on what’s wrong with women’s magazines.  I can’t think of anything else wrong after this… at least until I pick up another women’s mag.

I was in line at the supermarket and there was Woman’s World on the stand.  Here’s a picture of a cover: http://www.womans-world-magazine.com/.  What aggravates me are the mixed messages: on the right is an article on weight loss (”Lose 10 pounds this week!”), but on the left and above it are pictures of desserts.  Since there are always weight loss articles on the cover, Wikipedia says the magazine’s nickname is Weight Loss World: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Woman%27s_World.  Funny but true.

Every Woman’s World cover is the same: desserts and dieting.  It’s a magazine aimed at middle-aged moms, and the messages are: “Be a good mom and feed your family desserts, but be desirable by being thin.”

What’s worse, the diets always seem to promise hugely exaggerated results: Lose 10 pounds this week!  Lose 26 pounds by (insert name of next holiday here).  It’s ridiculous and depressing at the same time.  (See for example: http://www.magsdirect.com/womansworld-magazine.html and http://www.magazines.com/product/womans-world.  Wherever you find a pic of the magazine cover, it’s always the same mixed messages.)

There are better women’s magazines – I like O by Oprah – but I like men’s magazines like Men’s Fitness and Men’s Health.  I also like more neutral magazines like Esquire, which seem less aimed at women.  How sad that magazine editors have this idea of women as technologically uninterested dieters concerned with their appearances and willing to buy awful, unwearable, expensive fashions, rather than the complex creatures we are.

That’s it on Women’s Magazines, and that’s your Thought for the Day from The Dubmeister.

Just when I think I’m finished hating on women’s magazines, I get a couple more thoughts.  Here’s one:

Why is it that women’s magazines don’t cover technology?  If you search Maxim (”a lad’s mag”) for info on cell phones, you get product comparisons like this Smart Phone Showdown: http://www.maxim.com/stuff/articles/91255/smartphone-showdown.html.  If you search Cosmo on cell phones, you get articles on what to do if you drunk dial your ex:  http://www.cosmopolitan.com/advice/tips/45-cosmo-girl-crises-solved-instantly?click=main_sr Or getting him to call instead of text (the article concludes you can’t): http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/he-doesnt-call?click=main_sr. 

If you check out the iPad on Maxim, you get a product review and a game app review: http://www.maxim.com/stuff/maxims-grooming-guide/86133/iwant.html and http://www.maxim.com/gaming/articles/90768/6-reasons-ipad-will-encourage-you-to-play-with-yourself.html:  If you look for iPad info on Cosmo, you just get a link to that  Mad TV video from three years ago about the iPad being better than a Maxi Pad.  What’s worse, the link to the video doesn’t even work!

I’m tired of women’s magazines treating me like I’m just here for decoration.

That’s the Thought for the Day from The Dubmeister.